TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: present everyone a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In Trump Tower Damascus accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he ought to stop utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the task, replied, "You recognize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the making's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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